Setting: Standing at the kitchen counter while Mommy loads the dishwasher.
Context: None. There was no context whatsoever.
E: Mommy, have you seen my privates?
Me: Your what?
E: My privates. Did you see them? I can’t find them.
Me: … Your what?
E: My PRIVATES! They are supposed to go in the bathtub!
Me: E, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Are you saying “privates?”
E: Yes, our PRIVATES. They were right here, on the counter? We got them yesterday at the McDonald’s with Daddy because, remember Mommy, we got Happy Meals? And we got our privates in them.
Me: Okay…? What are they, exactly? You don’t mean your body’s private parts, right?
E (Looks at me like I’m a crazy person): Mommy. No. From Penguins of Madagascar. Theres a private in it? And me and G got them in our boxes.
Me: Ah. I see. I have not seen any new toys here on the counter.
G (Calling from the bathroom): E! I found our privates! Daddy put them in the bathtub!
Well, it turns out that there is a character in the Penguins of Madagascar named “Private.” That’s his whole name! So, now E and G each have a bathtub toy figurine of this guy, and they quite casually refer to them as their “bathtub privates.”
So, thanks, McDonald’s and The Penguins of Madagascar Movie for that confusing and terrible conversation. Thanks a bunch. And a hearty “you’re welcome!” to anyone who comes to our house for a visit in the next little while and gets to have a similar conversation. From now on, can we all agree that every Private needs a LAST NAME? Please? Thanks so much.