Momlife: A Day of Nonsensical Conversations

By Juli

We all know the drill—a day at home with a small child or two means a day of trying to understand the nonsensical verbiage that they are consistently and rapidly dispensing from their face-hole.

Here are my field notes from one such delightful day …


7:43 AM: Woken up to a vivid description of Child’s dream, in which “eyeballs were falling from the SKY, Mommy!” Trying to hold own eyeballs open while listening to elaborate and disgusting explanation.

8:55 AM, Performance of Viking musical by naked child: “I am a Vikiing … I am a Viking … I am not a man or a woman or a girl or a teeeeny tiny boy … I am a Viking SOUUL! A vi-king souuul!” All this while trying unsuccessfully to coax “Viking” to put girl-child clothes on.

9:30 AM, Breakfast time: “Mommy … I WANT YOU TO EAT A GROATCH. It’s a funny bug that lives on your tongue! Eat itttt! I am eating it, and it is DE-LLLLISHIOUS!!! GROATCH! GROATCH! GROATCH! GROATCH! GROATCH! GROATCH! GROATCH! ”

11:38 AMLunch time: “I don’t want a piece of pepper to eat, I want a DODD. A dodd is a food, Mommy. A dodd is a real food, and I want it to EAT for LUNCH. No peppers for me! Also, can I have a treat?”

11:45 AM, still lunch time, Child is “eating” noodles: “I WANT TO GET THIS CHEESE IN MY PANTS, so I can be a pantsnoodler! I am a pantsnoodler! HA HA HA HA HA! Can you please give me a tarnado? It sloopsy sloops into your mouth. TARnadooooo! HA HA HA, that’s funny!”

1:05 PM: Maniacal laughter coming from back room where Child has been playing quietly for 45 minutes. I do not investigate.

3:15 PM, Kids sitting at the table after school:
Child: “Did you know that I speak Chinese?”
Annoyed older brother: “No you DON’T.”
Child: “I DO speak Chinese. I DOOOOO.”
Brother: “MOOOOMmy! She’s saying that she speaks Chinese, and she does NOT.”
Me: “You don’t speak Chinese.”
Child: “Yes I DOOOOO!!”
Me: “You don’t. Chinese is a very hard language that you have to LEARN before you can speak it, sweetie.”
Child: “I CAN! I’M DOING IT RIGHT NOW! I KNOW how to do it. I LEARNED it already, see: Som Ta Rum Ba Rum: That means that I know how to speak Chinese.”
Brother: “I’m trying to READ!”
Me: “Okay, honey, can you please go ‘speak’ your version of Chinese somewhere else?”
Child: “But I WANT to do it HERE.”
Me: “Okay, but then you have to do it in your head.”
Child: “Well, actually, I changed my mind. Can I have a treat?”

3:35 PM, Child yelling from the bathroom:
Me: “Are you done?”
Child: “No, DAHLIN’!! I’M NOT!”

4:30 PM:
Me, during “Ninja Game” that Child made up: “I’m just going to take a little break from the game and go up and have some privacy in the bathroom, okay?”
(20 Seconds Later)
Child (Bursting into the bathroom): “Mommy do you know this amulet will kill you on this day?”
Me: “Um … I’m on the toilet. Can I have some privacy, please?”
Child: “But it won’t kill you on the day AFTER this day. Actually, it will.”
Me: “Can you leave so that I can wipe my bum?”
Child: “Actually, on the next day, the amulet will make ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!”
Me: “Really? Will it mean that I will get to have privacy in the bathroom?!”
Child: “… Actually it will make all MY dreams come true.”



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3 thoughts on “Momlife: A Day of Nonsensical Conversations

  1. Jenna

    When did S adopt a Southern drawl? “Dah-ling”; what a little belle she is, despite the potty nature of that particular conversation!


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