Hey, Body. First off, I want to really take this opportunity to say thanks. We have been through the ringer together, you and I, and I couldn’t have done it without you. Four babies in five and a half years would be hard on anybody, but you were strong. There were some rough times and some risky situations, we were uncomfortable and I whined a lot, but you stuck it out and were so reliable, right through the last baby’s arrival, eleven days later than expected. So, thanks.
I do have one little note for improvement: Can you pretty please let go of some of the excess weight you’re holding on to? I realize that change is difficult when you get older, but this is really getting pretty frustrating. I’m doing my part with eating well and exercising, but it doesn’t seem to work the way it used to. So can you help me out, please? I know all the pregnancies have made you bigger and smaller over and over, and that must have been difficult, but can we please start heading back toward smaller now that there are no more babies?
Wait. Exercise? No. That is not exercise you are doing. That is wandering around. If you want the exercise to “work,” you can’t do it at a toddler’s pace. Nice try.
Also, the first time we went through that ridiculous baby-having experience, I was pretty shocked. That was really traumatic for me! But I bounced back and got us back to normal, and what was the thanks I got? Another baby! So I eventually recovered again, thinking you must be finished now. But the third time? And the fourth? No way, lady. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? Not happening. I’m never going to believe this is over now! I’m counting on lots more babies. Go ahead. I’m comfortable. I’m ready.
Besides, have you heard about the zombie apocalypse? It could totally happen. And when it does, there are going to be food shortages and heat shortages, so we are going to need all this extra energy and insulation. You’ll really be thankful then!
So while I appreciate your gratitude, nice try. I am counting on having several babies in the middle of a frozen tundra, and I’m going to be PREPARED.
You’re an idiot.
And you are welcome. More bacon, please.