The Facts and Fictions You Should Know Before You Become a Parent

By Juli
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Fact: If you sit down to use the bathroom, your child will suddenly have to wash their hands/their stuffed pet’s hands, and will knock on the door/jiggle the handle until you let her in, and because you can’t GO under those conditions you might as well open the door. It will be a long time before you will urinate or defecate in complete privacy again.

Fiction: You will be able to sleep in again one day. Actually, you will never sleep in again, because even if your children are away for a weekend, your internal clock which has been savaged from years of being up early with children will not allow you to sleep in, so you might as well get up, make yourself a coffee, and silently weep into it.

Fact: When you sit down, the toilet seat will be wet. Every. Single. Time.

Fiction: Mothering will “come naturally” to you when you become a mother. Actually, this may be true for some aspects of mothering, perhaps, but most of it you will have to work very hard on. For example, you will now have to practice repeating yourself over and over and over and over and over and over and over with great patience. And then again. This is not your natural state — your natural state is to be heard the first time while another adult considers thoughtfully what you have just said over luncheon at your favourite bistro.

Fact: You can blame all your farts on your baby. True fact. “Oop … Baby must have filled his pants!” Then you must act surprised and shocked when the baby hasn’t filled his pants. This won’t work as well with someone else’s baby, unfortunately, because they will usually know their own baby’s brand.

Fact: You will probably get to know your own babies’ “brand,” and be very concerned with all things poop when it comes to your child. Like … creepily concerned.

Fiction: It’s a good idea to ask your mother to live with you when you have your baby. DO NOT DO THIS. I don’t care how compatible you and your mother are — this is a mistake.

Fact: Being pregnant is great because you get to stop sucking in your tummy for 9 whole months! Push out that bread basket with pride and let that muffin top spill, let it flow over the top of your jeans like the smooth flowing of chocolate from a chocolate fountain. Speaking of which, find a chocolate fountain and eat ALL OF IT. Because you get to! You are eating for two, lady, and that baby wants CHOCOLATE.

Fiction: You should always be able to find at least a bit of quiet time to write your next blog post. You would think, right? Yet at this very moment my 5-year-old is waving and air-trumpeting at me on the other side of my phone. Time to go and fight all of my natural instincts to turn on the TV, because it looks like we’re going to be playing “Kitty Surprise” for the next five hours.

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