Five things to do if you find yourself completely alone in the house at night

By Juli

Tonight I found myself alone at home, after my two kids miraculously fell asleep without incident, and my husband went out for the evening with some friends. And because I do not usually have evenings to myself, I figured out some ideas of what to do and will share these ideas now, for your benefit, just in case you also manage to have an evening to yourself in the not-too-distant future. Disclaimer: In order for these to work properly, make sure you have a full glass of wine and are properly pyjama-ed before beginning any of these activities.

  1. Clean the house. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, Just kidding.
  2. Start hearing creepy sounds, and then some more creepy sounds, and realize that your home makes all manner of creepy sounds in this eerie, quiet darkness. DO NOT go to the source of the sounds and investigate, because you are not crazy. Instead, turn up the rerun of The Office that you are watching on Netflix, wrap a blanket over your head (in case the ghosts are behind you – ain’t nothing as powerful as the protection of a single fleece blanket) and fight the temptation to text your husband to ask him to come home and protect you, but first to quickly swing past McDonald’s and get you a Creme Egg McFlurry.
  3. Find an old toothbrush, sit on the floor of the kitchen in your Darth Vader Onesie and have fun scraping out the nasty scum from the inside crevices of the dishwasher door while you watch reruns of The Office on Netflix. This is morbidly satisfying, not the same as actual cleaning, and will allow you to brag about this to your spouse, who was out partying it up all night while you were SLAVING AWAY scrubbing the dishwasher. This may even earn you a pity McFlurry, which is just as delicious as a regular one.
  4. Google: “Moon Landing Fake?” Then; “Instant Microwave Cinnamon Buns,” then; “McDonald’s McFlurry Delivery?” then; “House Sounds at Night,” then ERASE “House sounds at night” and replace it with “Was Jenna Fischer really pregnant during Office Filming” and Google that. (Answers: The Moon landing MIGHT have been faked, you guys! Also, instant Microwave Cinnamon buns do not exist, at least not with the ingredients available to me, and McFlurry delivery, so far, is just a crazy, beautiful dream. Also, Jenna Fisher totally was pregnant during the Office, the second time, not the first time.)
  5. Finish your Five On Friday post, with a few hours to spare before Friday officially becomes Saturday. Take that, Jac in Mexico! I am totally holding down the fort while you are gone. 😉

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5 thoughts on “Five things to do if you find yourself completely alone in the house at night

  1. Katie

    Hahaha, such an entertaining post, strong finish.
    I remember googling if Jenna Fisher was pregnant during filming too. I always notice, I’ve got a real eye for pregnant bellies trying to hide behind pillows, counters and baggy clothes. It’s a gift.

    Reply
    1. Juli

      Thanks, Katie! And that is an important skill to have. You must have enjoyed watching Zoe D’s dresses become poofier and poofier in the last season of New Girl… 😉

      Reply
      1. Katie

        I sure did! And now I’m enjoying Melissa Fumero wearing bomb-diffusing suits and her bosses baggy clothes on Brooklyn 99.
        I also get a kick out of old reruns of Elaine on Seinfeld and Coutney Cox on friends in the same situation, and BOTH girls on How I Met Your Mother AT THR SAME TIME. They even wrote Lily into a hot dog eating contest where she was really full of hotdogs, haha. But I think my favourite was Amy Poehler during Parks & Rev, they didn’t hide hers very well.

        Reply
  2. Alyson

    For me – it’s get mad at day time self for being so self controlled at the grocery store. Stupid day time self! Night time self wants something good to eat!!!

    Reply

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