Jac: I have a question for you.
Juli: Ok. I just hope it’s not about math.
Jac: Your kids are both potty trained, yes? So do you still have wet wipes in nearly every room of your house? Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to do without those in the future (the very distant future, it seems) when all my kids are out of diapers.
Juli: Short answer, yes. Long answer, because I always need them, everywhere and anywhere, because we are all slobs who live here (well, two of us in particular). Sticky hands are a 24-7 occurrence. I don’t even know how the kids can possibly be sticky all the time, but lo and behold, they are. Same goes for disinfectant wipes. There’s always something to disinfect, you know? Walls! Floors! Hardcover children’s books that I find in pools of urine on the bathroom floor!
Jac: YES. That’s what I’m talking about! I kind of understand those people who have the re-usable little cloths on their diaper change tables because it saves so much waste and so on, but what do they do when they arrive somewhere public where everyone looks nice, and they look at their kid and it’s suddenly like, oh GOODNESS. Peanut butter EVERYWHERE.
Juli: Whoever invented wet wipes deserves a full, long kiss on the mouth.
Jac: Agreed. Did our parents have wet wipes? When were they invented? Because what did they do without them? I’m gonna ask Siri.
Juli: Maybe that’s why our parents are so grumpy about us and how hard it was when we were babies. No wet wipes.
Jac: Siri says: “The technology to create disposable non-woven towelettes was developed in the late 1970s.”
Juli: Ah! Ok, so they had them! Hah!
Jac: I bet they didn’t have them, actually. My parents were not the “new technology! Get it!” types, especially considering that I’m the youngest of four and I was born in ‘82. I could ask them, of course, but I won’t bother. Much easier to ask Siri.
Juli: Because you know with Siri it will be a nice, to-the-point conversation.
Jac: Right. No silly pleasantries.
Juli: And you’re right about them maybe not having wipes. My parents weren’t new technology types, either. That’s why we rented those suitcase-style VHS players from the local video store so often. But, uh oh … I’m showing my age …
Jac: I remember renting a VCR! I think … It’s a vague recollection …
Juli: Right? So crazy.
One day, when our kids are grown up and we are all watching films through laser implants in our eyeballs, it will be hard to believe that these suitcase-things ever existed.
Jac: And just today I was at a garage sale where someone was selling an entire BOX of VHS tapes for $4. Times, man. They are a-changing.
Juli: The lady down the street from me came out of her house one day in her nightgown with a giant garbage bag full of VHS tapes of kids movies, asking me if I wanted them.
Jac: Did you accept that lovely offer?
Juli: I politely declined. Because, on one hand, there is already too much useless kid-related garbage in my house, and, on the other hand, I felt that there was a slight chance that it could actually be a dead body …
Jac: Smart. Best to avoid that scenario. And also because you’d have to own a VCR. Do you?
Juli: I do not own a VCR.
Jac: But it feels like I recorded shows on my VCR so recently. I mean, when I was a grown-up, definitely. My own VCR, my own TV, my own shows … Those were the days.
Juli: I do still have a few old VHS tapes from my childhood days. Like an old copy of “The Little Mermaid,” which I pointlessly keep, just for nostalgia.
Jac: What is the best toy you guys own now, for your kids?
Juli: Besides the TV, you mean?
Jac: Yes. I mean the thing that buys you the MOST non-screen-time play? So, no iPad, either.
Juli: Ah, good that you specified that, because I was going to SAY the iPad. I guess the answer would be LEGO* at this stage in the game. My children will muck around with it for forever making weird creatures, and creating a minefield of painful LEGO pieces for my husband and I to step on.
Jac: Yes, A definitely seems like he would be awesome at LEGO magic. But does S even manage it? My kids have some, but they always need so much HELP with it. Are they below-average in LEGO-Putting-Together? It’s okay, tell me the truth. I can take it.
Juli: Yes, she does, actually! I’m sorry that your kids aren’t strong in their LEGO-bilities, but maybe it’s a good thing? Because, for example, S once made something quite unrecognizable and demanded I guess what it was, and would not give me ANY hints. And she grew increasingly frustrated with each wrong answer.
Jac: It was not a house? Or a person? Those are always my first guesses with this sort of thing. I’m usually wrong, of course …
Juli: “A … Ladder? A …. Duck?” “A …. Tractor?” “NOOOOOOOO MOMMY! IT’S A SPICY DRAGON WITH A HAT!”
Jac: Ah, of course. My next guess.
Juli: So obvious, right? Spicy and scary are words she uses interchangeably, by the way.
Jac: I was going to ask about that. Because how would she KNOW if a dragon is spicy unless she bites it, and if she’s such a genius, she should obviously know that that would just be a mistake.
Juli: Well, that is a great point.
Jac: LEGO is a good one. Maybe my kids will grow into it. Or else my younger set of children will be more LEGOly-inclined and show up my big set? What are your kids doing right now, anyway? Mine are in our Wreck Room, playing band.
Juli: I love that you call it a “wreck” room. That’s how I know that you would be allowed to come over to my house. Are they a good band?
Jac: Mostly they turn on this old keyboard we keep down there, turn it up real loud, and then jump on the bed. Also, they discuss what they should be named. You know, just like a real band.
Juli: Of course. Mine are playing video games with my husband. Luckily it’s raining outside, or I would feel more guilty about this.
Jac: No, it’s important father-children time … Oh man, Baby N just crawled under the barstool and got stuck again. I bet babies have been doing that since the dawn of time. Or the dawn of stools.
Juli: Oh, Baby N. What is under there that is so darn interesting!?
Jac: Cracker crumbs, of course.
Juli: Of course.
Jac: And a bandaid wrapper.
Juli: Ah, yes. The “holy grail” of babydom.
Jac: Totally. I bet YOU wanna play under there, now.
Juli: Oh, babies. Get your priorities straight! Stop worrying about what’s on the floor, and think about learning to use the toilet! That will improve your life TREMENDOUSLY!
Jac: Dude, I have another kid to potty train before I even get to Baby N. I’ll be living in diapertown for a LONG time yet.
Juli: And back to baby wipes! Which we will both need for years, whether our kids are potty trained or not.
Jac: At least we are getting so good at general wiping.
Juli: Yes. We do both do a lot of wiping, don’t we? Hey, should that be on my resume?
Jac: I hope so, because it’s ALL THAT’S ON MY RESUME at the moment. “Efficient and Thorough Wet-Wipe Usage.”
Juli: Isn’t it lovely how our conversations always come full circle?
Jac: Wet wipes to wet wipes.
Juli: Whether wiping bums, peanut-butter faces, or pee-soaked books—we’re just the dames for the job!
* This is the correct way to write this word. Apparently the people at the LEGO company like to shout.